A Deer in Headlights

When something very traumatic happens to somebody, there’s a period of time when they are like a deer caught in headlights. The definition of that expression online was: When people are in a state of extreme surprise, fear or confusion, we say they are like a deer caught in headlights. They seem so frightened that they can not think clearly. They don’t know what to do, so they do not do anything. Sometimes people shorten the phrase and simply say, “like a deer in headlights.”

A trauma is often such a drastic change to so many aspects of your life. So many added worries. It’s overwhelming to experience so much all at once. It’s one of those twilight zone moments where you pray that you are dreaming. Life kinda goes on pause while your mind tries to catch up and figure out what the heck just happened, trying to catch up.

Everyone is so different and, just like grieving, there’s no timeline for this. It could be weeks, months or years. I know some people observing get concerned if it’s taking too long. They just want their loved ones to be better or “snap out of it”. What people have to understand is that this is an extremely personal thing. It happened to that person and it was a unique circumstance that nobody else has ever had before or will ever experience exactly the same way again. It’s that fact that makes it so much harder. Nobody has ever experienced the exact same thing so doctors are often confused too. That’s a very scary situation to be in. Knowing it’s life or death and not having anyone to look to for the assurance you desperately need. It’s like hanging off a cliff- you are struggling to grab a hold of anything while hoping that what you are grabbing is strong enough to hold you and praying that it’s not too weak so you’ll fall to your death. And the people who are there to help have taped hands. You’re completely alone and it’s one of the scariest feelings.

I know some may want to rush and help but people should understand that needing and accepting a lot more help is a huge difficulty of this change. This is when many people get outright nasty to most who are trying to help them. It breaks my heart seeing the pain in a caregiver’s face. I always try to explain to caregivers that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them! It’s a mix of extreme hormone changes, healing and an extreme frustration in dealing with everything your body can no longer do. It’s not about the caregiver at all! It’s about them suddenly needing care from anyone. It’s a terrible, helpless feeling. Kinda like being president of a company, being knocked down to be the janitor and cleaning up after the people who respected you yesterday. It’s a big adjustment. I can tell you that I still feel awful about things I definitely didn’t mean. While the other person forgot about it long ago.

I remember that they made a shrink come to my room in rehab and I just wanted to punch her in the face.  Especially when she said “and how does that make you feel?” At a time like that, I think that’s a terrible choice. I believe that it’s counterproductive and sometimes creates even more trauma. A time when people get angry at others trying to help them. I don’t speak for everyone, some people benefit from it. That’s just my personal opinion.

I told her that I didn’t want any therapy and she said that it was mandatory there so she had to keep coming and after many visits, she said- why do I come if you don’t talk to me?-

I said- I was wondering the same thing. I told you that I wasn’t interested in therapy. Did you think that I was kidding or did you think I was just difficult and you had the magic touch? It’s not my fault you didn’t respect that. I should be offended instead of you.

I was just being honest. That’s a time when a peer counselor would be amazing! Someone who understands what you’re going through and can actually help you adjust to your new life. Insurance pays these psychiatric doctors who don’t help in certain situations (they often cause more harm) but most would really benefit from a peer counselor instead. Send me a neighbor who knows how to live in a wheelchair and understands the feelings I’m going through. Who understands the places I need to contact and forms I need to fill out. The adjustment is often much harder because of the medical facilities. 

They immediately try teaching you to walk and do everything you did before. Of course I wanted to learn but first teach me how to live in this foreign chair you put me in. Nobody even taught me how to get around in it. They just rely on the good sense of someone who just had a brain injury haha It’s like they immediately let you know what you SHOULD be doing and that anything else isn’t worth much. People certainly make you feel like you’re “less than” unless you get out of that chair so when you can’t, that’s what you are ingrained to think permanently. Society makes you feel like a burden or hassle.

It’s often more difficult because it’s not a medical scar that heals, some of those memories get etched into your soul forever. Adjusting to needing help was harder for me than a lot of the physical changes. I still have a big problem with it after 15 years. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. I’m the helper. 

I always hated being treated like an invalid or like I’m fragile. Over the past fifteen years, I’ve met very few people who honestly treated me so much like everyone else and in my experience, that’s extremely rare. It’s one of the most freeing feelings that is kinda like a warm hug or a giant exhale after holding your breath for way too long. Those people will always be so very special to me and they know this because I always try to tell people how great I think they are.

Trauma isn’t a gradual change. These giant, life altering changes happen in the blink of an eye. You plead with people to appreciate what they have because you now know all too well how fast it can all be gone and how you pray for the things that others take for granted. Most people “hear” you and add their own opinions on how important it is but don’t fully understand.

That’s why friendship looks very different from me. I take friendships very seriously. I value loyalty and honesty. I will try, as often as I can, to tell someone exactly how great I think they are and how much they mean to me. To me, there’s nothing more important than the people in my life. I wish they understood that. A lot of people assume it’s just words because they usually are. But not coming from me. Although, I’m also fierce in expecting the same from my friends. Why shouldn’t I expect what I work so hard to give to others?

Why should I even have to worry if something will make it too hard for someone to be a good friend to me? That’s not a true friend. One of the hardest parts of losing a friend is finding out that they weren’t really the good friends that you would’ve bet your life on. Losing friends is so much harder now after you’ve already lost so much. Being so blindsided is hard. That reminds me of a great Madea speech about how people are like parts of a tree-

I think some people assume I’m a bit “off”. I would probably believe I was crazy too. I mean, I am haha, but not in the way people think. My illness altered me physically and was far away from anything related to cognitive function. Although I’d love to blame my forgetfulness on that, unfortunately it’s just old age. So I probably seem “odd” to some because I’m overly invested or too nice to people but if anything happened to me, I want there to be no doubt in their minds about how marvelous I thought they were (I have a habit of telling people when they aren’t great too). I even wave and smile at people I don’t know because they might really need it that day and it costs me nothing. I think most people value things and use other people but that’s the opposite of what it should be.